By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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