dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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