Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
