Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
