Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
