I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
