did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think I won the penis lottery.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
