I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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