I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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