nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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