You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
