How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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