like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
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As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
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I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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