things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize