Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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