96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
