My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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