I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
