i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
