I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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