It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
