i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
