I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
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How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
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I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.