I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...