why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
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He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not