i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
