the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
