Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
