I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Even my vagina gasped.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
