what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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