i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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