He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
