I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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