on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
