ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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