He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
