Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
