Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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