I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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