There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
