we have pet lesbian snakes
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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