I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
