Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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