Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
