Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You pole danced in your parka.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
