whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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