i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
