so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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