and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
