Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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