I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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