Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
