Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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