I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
