its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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