I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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