John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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