we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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