i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
