The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
